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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25856755">No one except you. Everyone except me.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/heart_locket/pseuds/heart_locket'>heart_locket</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>My Babysitter's A Vampire</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bethan - Freeform, Confession, Explicit Language, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I project a lot, M/M, angst maybe??? idk, art account, poems n shit, slight nsfw</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:40:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,969</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25856755</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/heart_locket/pseuds/heart_locket</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Ethan runs a secret art account on Instagram<br/>Benny falls in love with said account</p><p>Recently Benny hasn’t been able to shut up about this ‘Secret art girl’ on Instagram.<br/>Her poems, drawings and such. He’s like, head over heels in love with her.<br/>But he doesn’t know that account is Ethan, and he has HUGE feelings for him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ethan Morgan/Benny Weir</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>115</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. day 3 of the account</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Dude, she just started the account, like, 2 days ago. Why are you so obsessed with her?” Benny sighs deeply, and turns to his friend who is preoccupied playing some zombie videogame. “E, this is true love. I can feel it. Plus, her poems are beautiful.” He lays his head on his arms and mutters. “Wish she’d write one about me.” Ethan stiffens a bit, and makes a mental note about posting a poem he made for Benny. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Right now, the two of them are in Ethan’s room. Benny, lying on his stomach on the floor with his head on his crossed arms, and Ethan is sitting straight up with his back against his bed, attention mostly on his tv. Ethan felt the silence tightening around his throat. “So...did she post any new information?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Gross.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ethan thinks, after having to refer to himself as ‘she’. Benny grabbed his phone and opened Instagram. “As of right now...nothing. Still the same thing as yesterday.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On the account, it shows the username “notseen_notheard_nothere”, a bio with only the initial “M”, and 2 posts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first post is a simple, small drawing of a black sprout on a white background. It’s minimalist almost. With the caption being “welcome to this account I guess haha”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The second, is a picture of a poem. The poem reads</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I stand out in a sunny field</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>and I don’t know where I am.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My feelings of worry aren’t concealed,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This place feels like a scam.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I glance to see where you sit,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>one look and my heart starts to grow.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My feelings, I try not to acknowledge it</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you and I can’t let you know.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Caption says “Sunflower”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ethannnnnn.” Benny groans. “Her writing is so beautiful! Did you read it?” The taller boy asks, shoving his phone into his friend's face. “Yes, Benny, you made me read the poem 3 times.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan didn’t mean for it to go this far, he just wanted an account where he could just post his art stuff, that’s all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Besides, she’s only posted one poem, how can you like her so much?” Benny shakes his head.  “I, I don’t know E. My gut just says I’ve known her forever. The writing just...speaks to me.” Benny takes a breath and runs a hand through his soft almond brown hair. “It’s crazy, isn’t it? I don’t know. I just connect with the words, maybe I’m overthinking. Maybe I’m just rushing into this because her words feel so familiar, like home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> Ethan facepalmed internally, he felt like he’s leading his friend on unintentionally. Just by posting his art and feelings anonymously online. But he couldn’t just stop posting his art, right? Ethan felt like maybe if Benny still liked this “girl” after about a week, that he should come clean.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Benny stands up and stretches his arms out, and exhales deeply. “I’m gonna take a shower, oh- do you have some clothes I can borrow? I forgot mine again.” Ethan laughs dryly without taking his eyes off of the screen in front of him. “Did you forget, B? Or did you just put off laundry again?” The taller boy grabs a pillow and hits the back of the other boy's head, earning a frustrated groan in response. “I didn’t put it off...I just forgot.” “Okay, just let me know when you’re done, I’ll get you the clothes.” Benny hums in agreement and heads out of Ethan’s room. Ethan catches a whiff of Benny’s obnoxious axe body spray. Ethan personally liked how Benny smelled, when he’s not soaked in sweat or axe. He didn’t understand why Benny would use a body spray, let alone a gross one.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No, Benny didn’t smell like vanilla honey or some fruit/flower concoction. Ethan couldn’t put his finger on it, but the closest thing was when you wake up during the afternoon, hearing the air conditioning shut off as you look at the sun set for the day. Smelling the pillow under yourself as you bask in the golden glow coming from your window.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was oddly specific, yes, but it made sense to him. He didn’t realize how far he had zoned out until he heard Benny calling out for him. “Can you bring me my phone!” He yelled from across the hallway. “On it!” Ethan yelled back, thanking the universe that his family was out visiting his extended family in Seattle, Washington. Ethan hopped up and brushed off his pants. Ethan grabbed his friend's phone and started to head out to the bathroom. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan walked down the hallway and knocked on the door in front of him, expecting Benny to just open the door slightly and grab his phone. But no response. “Benny? You good?” Ethan opens the door and sees his friend huddled on the ground, crying. “Hey, Benny, buddy, what’s up?” Distress paints Ethan’s words and face. Benny evened out his breathing, shutting his eyes and letting his tears roll down his face. “I was just, thinking about the girl on instagram and I was thinking of what it would be like if we talked and, god, who’s to say she’ll want to talk to me? Everyone I’ve tried to pursue romantically, ends horrible. I’ve never had an actual relationship and what if...what if..” Benny tries to hold back a sob as Ethan places a reassuring hand on his shoulder, already sitting next to him. “What if I’m never anyone’s first pick, because no one takes me seriously?! What if all I am to everyone is- is a joke?!” Benny practically yelled the last couple words, and, once again, Ethan is glad they’re alone. Ethan speaks softly and rubs his friend’s shoulder, slowly tracing his hand to rub big circles around his back. “Benny, what you’re feeling is so valid, and I know it hurts. Because of your past, you have every reason to think that. However, you’re so wrong. I’m not saying that you’re wrong for feeling what you’re feeling, but you’ve got another thing coming if you believe that shit, Ben. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you are without a doubt one of the kindest, most sincere and genuine people I’ve ever met. If- if you think this girl wouldn’t see how wonderful you are then-” Ethan exhales and Benny places his head on his friend’s shoulder. “...Then maybe she’s not as great as you think she is.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Benny sighs deeply. “Thanks, E. I’m so glad to have you in my life.” Ethan nods and stands, lending out a hand and helps his friend up. “I’m gonna leave you to shower now, okay? If you need anything I’ll be down the hall.” Ethan exits the bathroom and closes the door behind him. The shorter boy leans against the wall as he feels his heart rate slow down.</span>
  <em>
    <span> Jesus christ, this poor boy.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>About fifteen minutes pass, and Ethan is laying down on his bed, writing and scribbling some thoughts down for another poem. “Ethan!” “Coming.” Ethan shouts back. The boy grabs a shirt, boxers and some sweatpants. He walks back to the bathroom holding the clothes out for Benny. The teen in the bathroom took the clothes and shut the door quickly. “Thank you!” Benny says (in a tone that sounds almost worried) in response to receiving the clothes. Ethan, once again, heads back to his room and starts getting ready for bed. Wondering if he just imagined Benny’s voice wavering. A couple more minutes pass, and Ethan starts to worry, but doesn’t feel like walking to the bathroom again, so he decides to send him a message.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[You]: hey is everything ok??</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Ben]: YES</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Ben]: sorry ill be right there</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As if on cue, Benny quickly enters the room, facing away from his friend. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh….Ben, you good?” Benny freezes in place, trying to hide himself. “...What are you hiding?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t laugh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Benny if you’ve gotten something on my clothes I can wash them, it’s no big deal.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The taller boy turns around slowly, and Ethan wishes the first thing he noticed was how red Benny’s face was. Ethan lets out a stifled laugh. “Oh my god, what happened to you? Was it the girl from Instagram?” “Shut up! Listen, sometimes it happens okay don’t act like it’s weird.” Ethan nods. “Of course, don’t make it weird, that won’t be </span>
  <em>
    <span>hard</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” “E I swear to god, I will slap you.” “Alright, I got it, I’ll </span>
  <em>
    <span>get off</span>
  </em>
  <span> your back.” Benny turns back around and sits on the floor. “That’s it. I don’t know you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan tries to pretend as if seeing Benny have a hard-on wasn’t making his chest feel light. He knew he liked Benny, more than a friend, but he also knew how to set boundaries without being weird. “Okay, I’m sorry, what can I do to help you feel less embarrassed about your...situation?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Benny raised his head up and took a couple seconds to think. “I’m just going to use the bathroom, normally, and when I come back, we act like nothing happened. So make your last shitty joke now.” Ethan pondered for a little, and then responded. “I got nothing.” “Really?” “Yup, that conclusion came a while ago.” “I hope you piss yourself in your sleep.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Day 3.5 and 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>day 3 and a half of the account, also followed by day 4</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>small chapter for rn</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Day 3 and a half of the account</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan peers over his bed and finds his friend fast asleep on a dusty old air mattress, snoring quietly. “Benny.” He whispers quietly, trying to see if Benny would wake up. Thankfully, he doesn’t respond. Ethan sits up and reaches for his journal, and flips to a page that is pure chaos. Words scribbled out and underlined, circled and erased. He pulls up his phone- </span>
  <em>
    <span>2:22 am.</span>
  </em>
  <span> -and opens Instagram and creates a new post, choosing a black square and posting the poem in the caption.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sunflower, please don’t wilt.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Because we cannot speak, but,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I see your pain, your tears, your guilt.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So here I share a secret.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m not what you think you see,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And for that, I apologize.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You say that you love me so,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But I’m sure you don’t like guys.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan hesitates. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I can’t post it. Not like this... </span>
  </em>
  <span>He backspaces and rewrites the stanza.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m not what you think you see,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And I cannot tell you why.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But if you are sure that you love me,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Look for me at Whitechapel High.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Am I really going to post this?</span>
  </em>
  <span> He thought to himself, his finger hovering above the “Post” button. Benny then turned himself on the mattress, creating a sudden sound that made Ethan jump and look at Benny. When he looked back at his phone, his poem was posted.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>...Shit.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Day 4 of the account</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“DUDE!” Benny screamed in his sleeping friend’s ear. It’s fine, it’s not like Ethan needed his eardrums that badly. Ethan pushes Benny away from his face and wipes his face. “Hm, what time is it?” Ethan asks, rubbing his throat to see if that would get rid of the gravel in his voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She made another post!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Oh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ethan’s stomach dropped. Right. The post. Where he said he went to Whitechapel. The post about him going to Whitechapel, the Whitechapel post. Shit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well..what did she say?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benny looked back at his phone and frowned slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s talking about this ‘Sunflower’ person again, but she goes to Whitechapel! I could totally find her, and talk to her and..” Ethan sits up and locks eyes with Benny. The energy in the boy’s voice immediately fizzed out, and he turned into a nervous mess. Benny started picking at his nails. “But, y’know, what would a girl like her want to do with a loser like me, right?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan placed his hand on Benny’s, and invited him to sit. “Benny, you’re not a loser. Even if you were, it’s not a bad thing. If you’re a loser, then so am I.” Benny laughed. “Yeah...I’m so glad to have you in my life.” Ethan felt a sharp pain in his chest. Benny is his friend, that’s it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan shook away his thoughts and tried to change the subject. “So lover boy, what are you going to say to her?” He teased. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I...don’t know. I didn’t actually think that far. I mean, I don’t know what she looks like or even her name. Shit, maybe she doesn’t want to be found.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why would she post something like that, her location, literally saying ‘look for me’ if she didn’t want to be found?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean, yeah I guess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan chose the username “not seen not heard not here” because it’s what he felt. He felt isolated a lot of the time, except when he’s with his friends. But Sarah and Erica were going to go to college soon, and Rory, well, Rory seems to be figuring his own stuff out at the moment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah, and it’s 3:30.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan felt a bit ashamed knowing he slept past noon again, but didn’t care enough to fix the habit. He’d go back to sleep, but then he wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight and school would feel like hell.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going back to sleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...You just woke up, E.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. day 5 of the account</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>school time baby</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i really wanted to post this so i might edit it later lol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ethan shoved the uncomfortably sugary cereal in his mouth, as if that would somehow give him enough energy to face the day ahead of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words of his parents and little sister mixed together, sounding foggy and blank. Ethan thought that having to watch Benny look for this ‘mystery girl’ would be easier. But the knots and ties in his stomach said otherwise. The words of his family sounded like how his stomach felt. What Ethan just thought is a weird description, for sure, but he doesn’t care enough to make sense of anything. He can’t just skip school today, he and Benny have basically every class together and he has a huge test in 4th period History today. Which is, like, 50% of his grade.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So, Ethan grabbed his hoodie and made a beeline for the front door. What he expected was a long, draining and painful day of his best friend (that Ethan is basically in love with) fawning over someone who is and isn’t him at the same time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What he did NOT expect was said best friend standing outside his door holding an open umbrella in the rain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Benny?! What- what the hell are you doing here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, the forecast called for rain so I didn’t want to walk alone, and I wanted to </span>
  <em>
    <span>see</span>
  </em>
  <span> if you could do something for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benny replied, smugly. Before Ethan could even ask, Benny pulled him outside and started walking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Usually the close proximity to his friend would give him a couple butterflies that he managed to suppress. But now, it feels.. Different. Like maybe after hearing about Benny’s infatuation with… this girl. He seems more aware of how close him and Benny really are.  “So I was thinking, maybe we should ask around to see if anyone knows this girl, find something of her’s, and then use your vision to gain more information!” Ethan’s stomach plummeted. He can’t let Benny find out, but he hates it when he has to lie to Benny for any other reason than safety.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure we could find something, I’m just not certain about finding something, or someone, who associates with </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> specifically.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan’s not wrong, his visions only work with physical things, beings or objects. He can’t just touch a text post through a screen and figure everything out. Maybe he could, he just hasn’t gotten that far with his powers yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Benny and Ethan continued their conversation of how the hell they’re gonna find this girl.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ethan feels his face blush every time that his arm grazes past Benny’s touch. More time passes and they find themselves at the front of the school. Benny’s already looking around like an anxiety-ridden puppy, while Ethan is the polar opposite.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey dudes!” A voice chirped as a flash of blonde hair zoomed past the two.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Rory.” Benny said, looking more preoccupied than ever. Rory frowned and turned, looking for whatever Benny was trying to find. “Uh...you good Benny?” He asks, waving a hand infront of the taller boy’s face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Benny moved the other boy’s hand from his face and continued looking. “B, I don’t know what makes you think that you can find her with A, no face and B, no name.” Ethan said, trying to grab Benny’s  attention.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey dorks.” The boys turn around to see Erica and Sarah standing side by side. “What’s going on?” The shorter girl asks.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, so you mean to tell me that your simping over an anonymous art account?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes! Wait, no, not when you put it like that, Erica.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Benny, ok. What do you know about ‘M’?”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>As the group of teens walk through the hallway, Benny grabs his phone and looks at the account. “Well, she has three posts, the welcome post, a poem talking about ‘Sunflower’ and the poem saying she goes here.” Sarah chuckles. “What if M’s enby, or a boy?” She asks. Benny looks at Sarah with a puzzled look on his face. “Well, I don’t know, I just assumed M was a girl.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you still gonna like them this much?” Everyone looked at Ethan, and he felt his face heat up. “I mean, if M isn’t a girl.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh, yeah? I don’t really care, y’know.” Ethan felt his heart race as his palms started to sweat. Everyone’s eyes were now glued on Benny trying to process if they heard what they think they heard. Benny looked at his friends and realized what he just said. “Right! Sorry, oh my god I’m so sorry, I keep forgetting to tell you guys I’m bi.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>friendly reminder to follow my tumblr @whitechapel-ethan take care of yourself today as a treat &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. day 5 of the account</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>cont. of last chapter</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>follow the tumblr for other mbav content @whitechapel-ethan</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Benny could respond, the bell rang and the group had to part ways and go to their respective classes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Holy shit. He’s bi. What the fuck. What the fuck? How did I not know? Oh christ, what the hell am I going to do?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan could not focus on his classes. He couldn’t focus on anything other than Benny.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Just because Benny is bi doesn’t mean he’ll like you. He’s never mentioned anything like that. God, I’m such an idiot! Just because my friend is bi I suddenly think I have a chance? Wow, that’s just pathetic, Ethan. Fuck, I hate this, I hate how I feel, I hate everything.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan knows little to nothing about coping skills that work for him. So he does what he always does, he writes it out. He tears some paper out his book and grabs his pencil. Or at least he tries to, before realizing he didn’t bring a pencil. He hates writing with pens, it feels so certain and once you write you can’t take it back. He hates the feeling of permanency that pens hold. If he’s going to write with a pen, he’s at least going to use a colored one. It’s the closest thing that’s keeping him from bolting from the classroom and hiding out in the boy’s bathroom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He reaches in his bag and pulls out a red pen. Red isn’t his first pick color-wise, but Ethan felt like he wasn’t anyone’s first pick, so it was fitting. In a sad way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well, here I am at my desk.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Thinking of you at night instead of taking a rest. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m nervously writing out things </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>that I wish I could yell at you </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>when I can barely write them down alone.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There is so much that needs to be known.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I stand next to you, apart from everyone</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>with my heart on my sleeve. </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>I love you more than the distance of the sun.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But if I tell you, I know that you’ll leave.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan looks down at the red scribbles on the torn notebook paper.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This is actually really good...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The boy takes a breath in and draws a small sunflower at the bottom of the poem.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Perfect.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He thinks to himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The bell rings and Ethan realizes he has to face Benny several more times today. He grabs his paper and folds it closed, whilst grabbing his bag and things. His workspace is a mess and he’s only been in class for about half an hour. He didn’t understand how he makes such a mess, but it’s there. It would be an understatement to call himself a “gay mess”. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He feels nauseated. Not only does he have to face his crush which has stated that he is NOT STRAIGHT, but he has to face his crush who is not straight and is very clearly attracted to an account which Ethan is running without knowing that it’s him. His mind feels as twisted as his stomach, and he needed to lay down. Obviously, you can’t lie down in school, unless you go to the nurse. Ethan, being desperate for any sort of pain relief, starts walking down the uncomfortably loud halls to get to the school nurse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan lifts his head before heading into the brightly-lit office and locks eyes with no other than the very boy he was trying to avoid. </span>
  <em>
    <span>SHIT FUCK FUCKING SHIT</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Before he could turn away and pretend he didn’t see him, Benny speedwalks towards the nurse's office.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you doing alright?” Benny’s face was concerned, his eyebrows were raised slightly. “Y-yeah, just a little stomach ache.” “What’s up?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m in love with you and you have a crush on me, but you don’t know that it’s me, and you think it’s someone else who’s way better than me. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“I-I don’t know...I’m a bit nervous, I guess.” Ethan laughs forcefully, and Benny can hear his discomfort. Benny turns his head and glances at Ethan’s hands, he sees him fidgeting with his fingers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The taller boy ushers his friend to the side of the hall. Benny leans in, a bit too close for Ethan’s comfort, and talks in a hushed voice. “If this is about finding M, you don’t have to do this. I know I’m asking for a lot and I just came out to you guys, so I understand if it’s too much.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ethan feels horrible. He feels guilty, ashamed. “Are you sure?” He asks quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course! I’m starting to get stressed about the situation, so you’re not alone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan felt his stomach tighten, he could see the reassuring smile on Benny’s face. It made him feel the same way he did when he first figured out he had feelings for Benny.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why does it feel like I’m walking backward? Like I’m right where I started.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Benny opens his arms, silently asking for a hug. Ethan slides his arms around his friend and rests his chin on Benny’s left shoulder. The contact immediately triggered a vision for Ethan.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sees Benny, he’s sobbing, shaking. Shaking as if his life depended on it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Freak! That’s all you are, that’s all you’ll ever be!” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It sounds like he’s talking to someone, but who? Ethans can tell by the floor and the walls that Benny’s standing in his room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My room? But who is he talking to?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ethan, I’m sorry.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>For what?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Benny wipes his eyes and takes in deep breathes, folding his arms, almost like he’s cradling himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I just can’t think of you like that.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s talking to me. In my room. He’s wearing different clothes, so it’s not today. Is this…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shock flows through Ethan’s body. As soon as he realizes what's going to happen, he’s brought back to reality.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s when I tell him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Benny looks down and frowns at the boy in front of him. “What? What is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan looks up, silent. He can’t tell Benny, he’s not ready for this. He’s not ready for Benny to leave him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m so fucked.</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ethan’s days feel so blurry that he doesn’t even remember taking his history test. The test that was super important to his grade. Ethan laid down in his bed and stared at the ceiling, as he tried to recall what his most recent and most clear memory was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan had just had his vision, where Benny was standing, shaking, crying, and yelling at him. Benny and Ethan were outside of the nurse's office and the next bell was about to ring. Benny was looking at him with concern written all over his face, and Ethan couldn’t stand it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next thing he knows is that he’s skipped school for the past week and has been staying at home.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All he does is sleep, when he’s not sleeping he’s eating. And when he’s not sleeping or eating, playing Minecraft. But that’s about it. No schoolwork, nothing productive. He’s only awake for 3-4 hours of the day. Ethan could feel the weight on his chest. He tries to ignore his phone when it rings, but it’s hard. He knows that he’s going to hurt his best friend, this guy he’s liked forever, and the best thing he’s doing to prevent it from happening is shutting everyone out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everyone’s been reaching out, Jane will knock on his door and bring him snacks, Rory tries to send him TikToks to keep his spirits up, even Erica calls every now and again. He’ll respond to Sarah’s texts, sometimes, but even then it’s one or two brief messages of Ethan saying that he’s got a bad cold.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Benny has been the one reaching out the most. He’d call once or twice a day, sending Ethan messages asking if everything’s alright, or if he had done something wrong. Ethan couldn’t bring himself to tell Benny that he wasn’t doing anything wrong, because Ethan knew once he said anything to Benny, he couldn’t go back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan turned in his bed until he found a comfortable position. He was still, eyes open. Just thinking about everything and caring about nothing. Sure, he did care about his friends, but he loathed himself so much more. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It hurts. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He could feel his chest decay with every passing thought. He felt so hollow and cold, he didn’t know what to do. So he just slept.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan woke up to the sound of a knock at his door, he sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes. “Come in.” He said, with a low voice. He expected his mom to talk to him again about how she’s worried, and that they should do something to help. What he got was a fidgeting Benny, with messy hair and tired eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know you’ve been avoiding me and I know why but it’s been two days since anyone heard from you. I let myself in because I was really worried, and I still am, and your family isn’t home so I just thought ‘why not talk to him?’ you know?” Ethan stood up and looked at the boy in front of him. “Benny, you look awful.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Benny shifted his weight and looked at his feet. “Yeah- ha, I haven’t gotten too much sleep and it’s because I know why you’re avoiding me.” The raven-haired boy glanced at his friend’s clothes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck, this is exactly what I saw in my vision.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not your fault- I mean, hey, I understand and because I understand if you’d think differently of me but I don’t want us to separate because of it.” Benny started to cry, tears slowly rolling off of his down-turned cheeks. “Cause I mean, like, if I knew my best friend had feelings for me and he was nothing but creepy about it all the time I’d- fuck!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The taller boy screamed his last words as he tried to choke back a sob. “I’m just saying that- every time I look in the mirror I just yell at myself because- I’m a freak! Freak! That’s all you are- that’s all you’ll ever be!” His breathing quickened with every word that spilled from his lips. Without thinking, Ethan moved forward and held Benny’s hands, softly tracing his thumbs forward and back. Benny tried to pace his breathing to the slow strokes of his friend’s thumbs. “I’m in love with you. And- I’m sorry I made you feel like everything is weird and different because of it. I still want to be friends with you, but- Ethan, I’m sorry. I just can’t think of you like that. Not anymore. You’re so much more than a friend to me, and I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan stepped forward and pressed his lips against Benny’s. He held his hands a little tighter as he moved away from this kiss. “Benny, I’m sorry I made things complicated.” Benny tilted his head, still somewhat off from the kiss. “What do you mean?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wrote these poems for you. My sunflower.” He gave Benny another kiss and pulled his friend so they were both sitting on the bed. Ethan pulled out his phone, showing Benny that he was logged into the art account. He read the poems to him from his perspective, trying to let Benny see that he, Benny, is the sunflower.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Benny, my day to day life is so boring. I feel invisible to everyone, but you make me feel seen. There’s no one I could love this way, no one, except you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought if anything, you would want literally anyone, everyone except me. I’m just so weird.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s why I love you. You’re one of a kind, and I wouldn’t trade being with you for the world.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ethan placed his hand on top of Benny’s. He could feel him trembling beneath him. He rubbed slow circles on the back of his hand. Benny’s breathing slowed, but he was still shaking. “How do I know I’m not dreaming?” Benny asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I could kiss you again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would like that.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>dont forget to eat something :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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